I woke up this morning incredibly upset, even fighting off tears. Damn relationship nightmares, why do you do this to me, and what do you mean? I have a headache so I am sitting here at work and decided the only way to make this all go away is to put it all out there.

So the man travels for work a lot, and I don’t mean within our province or to another city for a few days, I mean TRAVEL! As in to Saudi Arabia, 10 time zones away, where woman aren’t allowed to travel with men they aren’t married to, and he is usually gone for 30 days at a time. It seems to have worked for us so far, lately it has been getting harder.

Back to my dream. I am at my apartment, the man is over with his ex girlfriend (much uglier and fatter than she is in real life, though I am not sure if that made it better or worse) and I am making them dinner because they just got back from a trip to Saudi Arabia together. As I am making dinner I realize I am not okay with the fact they travelled together (supposedly I was when they left), and how did they go together anyways when he has always told me woman can’t travel there, and I realize he has been lying.

I am mad in my dream, and I say to him, “you were lying about women travelling there” he smirks, I yell, “you had sex with her didn’t you”. He says yes. I fall to the floor in hysterics, crying and screaming. He stays standing and I am screaming at him to get out of my house while thinking “I don’t want to lose him, he means everything to me, what he has done is wrong but I just want him to apologize, I don’t want him to leave me”. Then I say to him, “as soon as you walk out the door you are going to completely forget about me and move on instantly aren’t you?”, again he smirks and I wake up.

I was devastated. Not a fun dream. I looked up the meaning (thanks dreammoods.com):

To dream that your mate is cheating on you highlights your insecurities and your fears of being abandoned. You feel that you are being taken for granted. You are lacking attention in the relationship or that he is being less affectionate.

Spot on dream moods, spot on.

For the first time in my life I feel like I am not the one in control of my relationship. I don’t think he is going to leave me tomorrow, or really anytime, he has it too good 🙂 but I long for his approval. I long for him to tell me how he feels about me and that he loves me and enjoys me, but I can’t get the words out. He shows how he feels, I know I am important to him, but I need more, not a lot, just a little.

It all boils down to me. He is doing what he knows, acting how he was raised. He isn’t being hurtful or spiteful, when I tell him I want something, he does it. I need to communicate, sounds so easy, makes perfect sense, but apparently I have lost that skill while falling in love.